I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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