This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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