im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
