Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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