Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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