You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
