Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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