Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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