I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
