I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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