every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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