i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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