Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
