well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
