I got chris browned last night
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
