my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Slut skills are useful in every country.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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