i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
im holly from the hills drunk
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
