My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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