so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
