Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
