My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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