the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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