I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
