So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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