I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize