I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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