The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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