Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
