Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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