just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
