I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
