just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I wear drunk well.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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