Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
