dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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