so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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