Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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