You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
