I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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