He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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