Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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