I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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