Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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