How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
