I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i think im in europe. pls send help
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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