I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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