OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
