All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
