i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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