Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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