i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
