I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize