i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
