we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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