My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize