She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
