My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
