Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
