I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
