So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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