I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
