I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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