i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My life is pants optional.
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