apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
