So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
