My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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