Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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