Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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