oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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